My First Letter - July 29th, 2011

This letter was written in my Journaling class at Partial Hospitalization; it's inspired me to start -and hopefully continue- this blog.

My dear angels:

It's been rough. Next week I have looming the due date of you, my first, while still mourning you, my second. I had such hopes and dreams for both of you, visions of being a family, plans for every holiday and the future. Your daddy was so excited too; though we won't know you, hold you again, or even really know "boy or girl" until we meet you in heaven, we love you both so very much and miss you every hour of every day. Our lives are better for your short time with us, and we will always love you.

I am so sorry I was unable to give you both the burial and memorial you deserve. I feel guilty, and and to think about it breaks my heart. I feel that my body failed us both, and I pray you were at least happy while you lived within me. I never felt your kicks or saw you suck your thumb, we will never get to see you grow and learn, but you were still so loved by your daddy and me. You had wonderful grandparents that would have spoiled you rotten - grandma had even bought a rocking horse, blankets, and fabric for baby quilts and outfits. You each touched the lives of everyone who was lucky enough to know about your short lives.

The days I lost each of you are the darkest days of my life. Nothing compares to the pain of losing a child, even one you never knew. My heart shattered each time, and a small part of died with each of you. I know you both are safe in heaven, playing with your grandma and uncle, but mommy and daddy miss you very much here on earth. My heart aches for you. Though we may someday give you a brother or sister here, you will always have a special place in our hearts. No one can replace you; you were our babies too.

As the years go by, I will wonder what you would have been like. more like mommy, or more like daddy? Or perhaps you would have been a completely unique, confusing little person! Who would get your first smile? What would your first word have been? Blonde with blue eyes, or brown hair with dark eyes? Would you have become a doctor, lawyer, preacher or psychologist? Every day I wonder.

I don't understand why we lost you. I will probably never understand. I want you back more than words could ever express, and both your daddy and I mourn daily. As time passes, we learn how to make the pain more bearable, but it will never go away. We have learned how to function and go about life, while the grief remains just below the surface. You were loved from the moment we knew of you, and will always be loved till the moment we die.

Love,
Your Mommy.